it's about time...

TANNER HOUSE INT. MORNING

Scene opens with Michelle sitting at the kitchen table staring at Comet blankly. She begins sobbing, but covers her face as Uncle Jesse and Joey enter from the basement laughing. Joey strolls over and looks for breakfast. Jesse looks at Michelle and sits down beside her with his chair truned backwards.

JESSE:
Hey, munchkin'. How's it hangin'?

Michelle shrugs. Jesse looks at Comet.

JESSE:
What's up with her?

Comet shrugs. Audience laughs. Jesse gets back up and walks over to Joey.

JESSE:
Hey Joey, what's wrong with Michelle?

JOEY:
Beats me, buddy. Maybe she's just hungry. Are you hungry Michelle?

MICHELLE:
No.

JOEY:
Not even for one of your uncle's world famous Belgian waffles? Their waffley delicious.

Michelle pouts.

JESSE:
This is pretty serious, pal. She never passes up a free meal.

JOEY:
Maybe she's just upset because she hasn't experience her monthly friend yet like her other friends have.

JESSE:
The girl's only 5 years old, for crying out loud!

Audience laughs. Joey takes out a frying pan and eggs.

JOEY:
Good point.

MICHELLE:
I'm upset about school, OK?

Michelle runs into the living room. Jesse and Joey look at each other.

JOEY:
Don't look at me, I've got an omlette goin' here.

Audience laughs. Jesse follows Michelle into the living room.

JESSE:
OK, Michelle, now I'm not going to let you keep this a secret anymore. If my Michelle is worried about something, than I've got to know what it is.

MICHELLE:
It's embawassing.

JESSE:
Michelle, there's nothing you can't tell ole Uncle Jesse. Now what's going on at school?

MICHELLE:
It's the other kids. They always make fun of me.

JESSE:
Make fun of you? Why would they go and do a thing like that?

MICHELLE:
They say... they say...

JESSE:
Spit it out, squirt.

MICHELLE:
They say my blood is impure. And don't call me squirt!

JESSE:
Impure? What do you mean? What is this nonsense?

MICHELLE:
They say Tanner is a kyke name.



JESSE:
Have mercy! Where'd you learn a word like that?

MICHELLE:
That's what they call me at wecess. They keep dwawing swastikas on my wunchbox.

JESSE: (to camera)
Wunchbox?

Audience laughs. Michelle starts crying.

JESSE:
Listen Michelle, you're no more Jewish than I am.

MICHELLE:
You're lying! You're all lying!

Michelle runs up to her bedroom and cries. Jesse shakes his head and goes back into the kitchen where Joey is doing Popeye impersonations to Comet while his omlette burns.

JESSE:
Cut it out, knucklehead. We need to talk. It seems Michelle's classmates are giving her a hard time because they think she's Jewish.

JOEY:
Michelle's Jewish? Eww. I'm cuttin' her out of my will.

Audience laughs.

JESSE:
She's not Jewish, numbskull. But she is getting harrassed at school and that's not cool.

JOEY:
Maybe I shoulda offered her some latkas instead of waffles. Ug ug ug.

Audience laughs.

JESSE:
Are you gonna take this seriously or am I gonna have to take this up with Danny Boy?

JOEY:
What can I do? I'm just one person.

Phone rings.

JESSE:
Tanner residence. Yeah, unfortunately. Hold on. I'll get 'em for ya.

Jesse hands the phone to Joey.



JOEY:
Yello? Hey buddy! You're in town this weekend? Aw, cut-it-out! Saaaay, why don't you swing by my place tonight. I've got an idea. Later.

Joey gives a thumbs up to Jesse who is confused.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

TANNER HOUSE EXT. LATER THAT NIGHT

The entire Tanner clan is about to walk into their house when Danny decides to pause and reminisce about the evening of family bowling they have just experienced.

DANNY:
You know guys, nights like this are what being a family is all about. Just a father, his daughters, his special friends who live in his house in a ridiulously expensive city without paying rent, one of their girlfriends and an uninvited next-door-neighboor all enjoying a few games of tenpin on my dime, nonetheless. They just don't make nights like this anymore.

DJ:
You're the best, dad.

KIMMY GIBBLER:
Yeah. Thanks, big guy. I owe ya one.

Kimmy slaps Danny on the ass. Audience laughs. They all walk through door and are shocked to find an bald stranger in black standing there.



STEPHANIE:
(in shock) Woah.

JOEY:
Boyd!

BOYD RICE:
Hey Tannerinos.



DANNY:
(to Joey) Do you know this... gentleman?

JOEY:
Do I know him? He's only the funniest stand-up comedian this side fo the Mississippi.

BOYD:
Aw, shucks.

JOEY:
It's true guys. I'll have him tell you all about the feminist who crossed the road. That one's a classic. We go way back to when we were both struggling to make names for ourselves. Living out of a station wagon, going from improv to improv, open mic night to open mic night. Boy, those were the days, Boyd.

BOYD:
They sure were, Joey. Do you remember those two blondes from the Boise show? Did you ever take that paternity test?

JOEY:
Ixnay on the roupiesgay.

Audience laughs.

DANNY:
So, Boyd...

BOYD:
Mr. Rice.

DANNY:
Mr. Rice. You a fellow San Franciscan?

BOYD:
No, I was just stopping by for the weekend on tour.

JOEY:
See, Boyd here is world-famous muscian. He's adored all around the world.

JESSE:
A musician? I'm one myself. Does the name Jesse and the Rippers ring a bell?

Boyd looks at Joey.



BOYD:
Yeah. Of course.

JESSE:
Big fan, huh? Well, maybe I can set you up with an autograph or two. Who knows, maybe we can jam next time you're in town.

Boyd grimaces.

JOEY:
Boy are you in for a treat, Jesse cause not only is Boyd stopping by for tonight, but he's staying for good!

Entire extended Tanner family is shocked.

MICHELLE:
Oh bwother.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

TANNER HOUSE INT. 5 MINUTES LATER

Danny and Joey sit at the kitchen table alone.

DANNY:
You've really done it this time, funnyman.

JOEY:
God, Danny. Give it a rest!

DANNY:
I just wish you would have asked me if it was alright before offering my home to that creep.



JOEY:
Listen, Danny, I've been putting up with your condescending attitude for years now and I'm sick of it. I'm a grown man. You're just gonna have to deal with it. Just because you own this house doesn't mean you have control over who I allow to move in.

DANNY:
Yes it does.

JOEY:
God! You're acting like such a fascist!

DANNY:
Fascist? I'm not the one teaching DJ how to seig heil in the other room.

JOEY:
Leave him alone. He's just trying to fit in around here and you're not making him feel very welcome.

DANNY:
That's because he's not. I don't want him scaring my children or driving down the neighborhood's property value.

JOEY:
Let me level with you, Danny. It's an emergency. I had to invite Boyd to live here for Michelle.

DANNY:
Michelle? Where are you goin' with this, Gladstone?

JOEY:
Little Michelle is sick and tired of being singled-out for being a Jew.

DANNY:
A what?

Audience laughs.

JOEY:
Don't play dumb with me, Tannerstein. Anyway, the kids on the playground found out your family secret and they're making life miserable for your daughter.

DANNY:
But we're not...

JOEY:
I knew that we needed to do something drastic to stop the teasing and bullying that she has to go through. So, I've come up with a fool-proof plan, but it's gonna mean that you'll have to give up that fallout shelter in the back yard.

DANNY:
N-O. No way, Joey. No way!. That's my refuge.

JOEY:
Boyd's gonna need somewhere to stay and there's no room left in the house. That is, of course, unless you want to put another bed up in the girls' room.

Danny's eyes bug out as he looks at the camera.

DANNY:
The shelter it is. You better have one hell of a plan.

CUT TO LIVING ROOM

In the living room, Boyd is attaching Nazi armbands to Kimmy, Michelle, Stephanie and DJ's arms. While Uncle Jesse plays "Heartbreak Hotel" on his guitar.

JESSE:
Aw, Boyd, you've gotta hear me play this one with a full band. Maybe I'll have the boys come buy for a rehearsal tonight, what do ya say?

BOYD:
No can do, pal. The girls and I are planning on catching a late showing of "Triumph of the Will".

JESSE:
Is that the new Stallone pic?

BOYD:
Something like that.

JESSE:
Count me in.

Jesse bends his whammy bar. Danny and Joey enter the room.

DANNY:
Girls, we need to talk.

KIMMY:
I'm all ears.

DANNY:
Out, Gibler!

KIMMY:
You've got a bad attitude, Mr. T. (Clicks heels and seig heils all) Auf wiedersehen, dudes.

Audience laughs.

DANNY: (to the girls)
Listen girls. Michelle here has been having some trouble at school.

DJ:
Really? Michelle, why didn't you tell me? I'm your big sister. You can tell a big sister anything.

DANNY:
You see, they've been making fun of her for being Jewish.

DJ becomes enraged, takes out her Nazi dagger and cuts off Michelle's armband.

DJ:
You won't be needing this anymore, kyke.

STEPHANIE:
How rude!

DANNY:
Deej, if Michelle was Jewish, so would you.

DJ:
I'm... I'm a Jew?

DJ puts the dagger to her own throat.

DANNY:
Calm down, none of us are Jewish. But the kids on the schoolyard don't know that. So, for Michelle's sake, we're gonna have Mr. Rice live here for a while and pose as Michelle's long lost uncle at the school play next week. Naturally, her schoolmates will be familiar with Mr. Rice's work and be convinced that we Tanners are not Jews.

BOYD:
Brilliant.

DANNY:
Now, I've got to be honest, Boy...uh.. Mr. Rice. I'm not thrilled about you being here. But I'm willing to deal with it for the good of my daughter's reputation. But under no circumstances will I abide you attracting your element to my neighborhood. No friends. No women. Nothing. Got it?

BOYD:
Sure thing, Danny boy.

DANNY:
Good.

Danny goes upstairs.

BOYD:
Not!

Everybody high-fives.

CUT TO 10 MINUTES OF COMMERCIALS

KITCHEN INT. LATER ON THAT NIGHT

Michelle is alone at the table again as Boyd walks in to make another appletini.

BOYD:
Hey, rugrat.

MICHELLE:
Hi, Mr. Wice.

BOYD:
Please, call me Uncle Boyd.

MICHELLE:
Weally?

BOYD:
Sure thing, sport. Thirsty? (raises his martini glass)

MICHELLE:
I'm not awoud to.

BOYD:
(shrugs) Eh, in due time. I think I know what you'd like.

Boyd takes out some ice cream and syrup.

BOYD:
This is a little analogy. Do you know what an analogy is, Michelle?

MICHELLE:
Anawogy?

BOYD:
You're too much! Anyway, take a look at this ice cream. (he begins to scoop a bit into a bowl) It's fexture smooth, it's flavor rich, it's color pure white. (he begins to top it) Look, here comes the whipped cream. Pretty delicious-looking, huh?

Michelle nods her head while drooling.

BOYD:
In fact, I bet there's no desert known to man that is purer. Wouldn't you?

MICHELLE:
Uh huh. I haven't eaten all day, Uncle Boyd. Can I...

BOYD:
Now now, Michelle. Why not add a little more to this treat? Watch out! Here comes the hot fudge!

Boyd pours the syrup on top of it and mixes it all up.

BOYD:
Now look what you have. A brown and white mess, devoid of meaning, empty of character and beyond redemption!

Michelle gluttonously grabs the bowl and stuffs her face.

MICHELLE:
Let's pig out!

Boyd looks at the camera.



BOYD:
This is gonna be harder than I thought.

CUT TO CLOSING CREDITS